Why Is This Necessary?

Today we had, according an administrator, our "monthly-annual" tornado drill.  I would have laughed harder at this grammatical anomaly, but every month we have a "monthly-annual" fire drill too.  To clarify, we have monthly fire drills, and annual tornado drills, despite what this administrator thinks while making the announcements. 

Apparently, the state requires we have these drills.  Why?  Who really knows?  Fire drills almost make sense, but then again at the high school level, it is doubtful that anybody in the building wouldn't know where or how to proceed during a fire.  But why is a tornado drill required?  The same governing body that compiles a working calender down to the minute, also requires school systems to employ these gross wastes of time.  Elementary school should absolutely have these drills, to teach the kids what to do.  But why in high school?  This brings me to my three points.

Point one:
If a student does not know what to do in the event of inclement weather by the time they get to high school, let's face it, they probably shouldn't be in high school.  Okay okay, what about those student who went to private school or were home-schooled and never learned?  I would assume, and maybe making assumptions is why I struggle with this job, that if the rest of the student body is getting on their hands and knees in hallways, that the student that didn't know the procedure, could probably process what is happening and follow suit.

You may also be wondering why this is such an issue.  Have you have been around high school students?  Let me let you in on a secret.  If you ask hundreds, possibly thousands, of teenagers to go lay on the ground in the hallway for 5 minutes, the maturity level in the building immediately begins to approach zero.  Not only that, but any chance of calm or concentration is now lost for the rest of the day.  It's a huge mess. 

Point two:
Why are we enabling them in such simple activities?  Is it not the goal of providing an education to instill a sense of learning?  That is the problem with our educational system, and the source of all the heat we take.  Enabling!  To give a drunk a drink, right? How on earth can expect a high school student to learn how to graph and solve quadratic functions and actually remember how and why to do so, if we do not even expect them to remember what do in a situation where a tornado is approaching the school?  We do not expect them to retain anything, we enable the entire student body of the United States.  Why do we continue refine our educational systems while also continue to simplify our expectations? That's an inverse relationship, taking 2 steps back for every 1 taken forward.  

Point three:
This one is a little selfish, but I don't care.  If high schools where not required to have 10 "monthly-annual" fire drills and 1 "monthly-annual" tornado drills, we would have approximately 160 minutes of extra time to disperse throughout the calender.  Perhaps more than six minutes for class changes so that even a teacher has time to use the bathroom, or maybe longer than 22 minutes for lunch would be a better use of the time.  I don't know, just a thought.

Learning? No, not today.  Instead we are going practice leaving the school building.  Because high school students really need help learning how to leave school faster!

Here's Your Sign

You have probably heard the stand-up comedy of one Bill Engvall.  If you have not, I strongly recommend you do.  He is one of the few, relatively clean, but actually funny comics left in the world.  His earlier material is better in my opinion, as once he became widely known I feel it lost some of its appeal, but I still like his stuff.

Anyway, his signature is the "Here's your sign..." bit.  Here's your sign is Bill's reply to someone who asks a blatantly obvious (read: incredibly stupid) question.  So the idea is that when this question is asked, he would like to hand you a big sign.  A sign that you have to carry around and hold in front of you for all to see.  A sign that says:  "I'm stupid."  Since that isn't really realistic, he's reserved himself to just tell the person "Here's your sign" so that they know they've just embarrassed themselves.  I remember, I think, an example from his early work.  He's in the bathroom brushing his teeth, his wife walks in and says "You brushin' your teeth?"  He turns and with a mouthful of toothpaste says "Here's your sign."   Pretty funny.

Where is the going you ask?  Well, although everyone is susceptable to needing a sign every now and then, sometimes its such a shocking inquiry that before you have the chance to say "Here's your sign," you first find yourself saying "REALLY!?"  And as you may have guessed, the wonderful youth whose minds I mold are an everyday source of these moments. 

It happens at least twice a week; a student walks past my desk and peers over the framed picture sitting to my left.  Its a picture of my wife and I on our wedding day.  That's right.  Me, in a tuxedo with my arm around my wife, in a wedding dress holding a bouquet of flowers gazing star-struck and lovingly into each others eyes.

"Is that your wife?"

*sigh*

"Here's your sign."

Black Market ... Beer?

On a normal weekend camping trip to one of our favorite spots, I was unable to make the trip on Friday night with the rest of the crew.  Instead, I woke up at 0'dark-thirty on Saturday morning and made my way to the camp site.  I stopped at a local Quik-Trip to grab a coffee, biscuit, and some adult beverages for the weekend.  However, due to completely asinine laws in our state/county, you can't purchase alcohol between 12am and 9am. While checking out, the QT employee asked me where I was traveling, and I responded with an annoyed "north."  She informed me that the laws are different in different counties so I should stop again when I am farther north. 

I drove about 60 miles north and stopped at another QT, 4 counties north.  The time was now 6:25 am.  As I walk inside I notice the lights in the coolers containing the beverages for which I'm searching are off.  By this point I'm starting to get a little angry.  I really hate how the government can tell me when it's okay to buy alcohol and when it's not okay.  I quickly turned to leave and the QT employee at this location said "Can I help you find something?"  I snapped back "Not unless you can sell me some beer, but I'm guessing big brother has taken our rights hostage in this county too."  He nodded and said, "At least until 8 am."

"Well, I'm not sitting around for an hour and half so thanks anyway."

"Where ya headin'?"

"North."

"Will you passing the Walmart about 20 miles north of here?"

"Yes."

And here is where it gets weird.  He said "I know a guy.  He works in Electronics.  I'll call him and tell him you'll meet him there in 30 minutes, keep your brown jacket on."

I said okay, and left, thinking I'll just have to be that guy.  The guy that shows up to go camping and drinks everybody's beer.  About halfway between the QT and Walmart I thought, "you know what, I'll at least stop in and see if this guy was for real.  Maybe I can sneak some beer out through a self checkout anyway." 

When I get there, I walk back to electronics and start browsing through the video games.  About 30 seconds later an employee walks over and asks if need any help.  I said no thanks and he turned and walked away.  So I figured it was over.  But after another 30 seconds, the same guy walks back over to me and whispers, "Are you from QT?"

"Yes."

"Follow me, about 20 feet behind" he whispered.  "What kind of beer?"

"Miller Lite"

We walked across the store.  He turned around about halfway and said, "Go back to the video games, I'll be right back"

So here is where I wise up a bit.  I went back towards the video game section, but stopped before and tried to inconspicuously hide in the craft section.  I figured if he walked back with security or something like that, I could get out pretty quickly.  He didn't though, all he had with him was a case of Miller Lite.  I followed him back to the electronics section.  As he was logging in to his register he asked for me to have $20 ready.  It was on sale for $14.99 so my total was $16 something.  He scanned it, typed in some numbers for my birthday, took my $20, counted out the change, pretended to hand it to me, and then put it in his pocket.  He put my beer in a big bag and handed it to me and said, I'll walk you to the front. 

We walked to the front of the store, he told the greeter that I was "good to go" and I walked out.  When I got to my truck I giggled a little bit.  His fee was under $4!  Cheap!

I never tried to buy beer with a fake ID when I was underage, but I was able to experience what it must be like. It really is a shame that someone who is almost 30 years old is apparently not mature or intelligent enough to decide when it is appropriate to purchase beer.  Tax dollars hard at work I guess.

Next Time We'll Wear Orange

A friend, that I have not seen in a few months, and I decided to take a trip into the woods last weekend.  We have frequented a local...well, a fairly local wildlife management area.  Labeled as a "Dog Training Area," after numerous trips to explore we have discovered nothing more than an old logging forest.  There is a main "road" that slowly branches into smaller "roads" and continues into smaller and smaller trails.  To the best of our guesses, and xylologists we are not, this particular area of the forest has not been logged in the last 5 to 10 years.  Therefore, the "roads" and trails are quite overgrown and only the largest are still discernible.  Stray from the trails and you can hike through the bush, off-trail, knowing that there are "roads" within two or three miles in any direction.

In the nine months that we have been exploring this area, once or twice a month at best, we have never seen anybody.  Besides a few bugs and squirrel or two, the wildlife has even been minimal.  A deer, a turkey vulture, and a turkey, all on different trips.  Needless to say, life has been sparse in this area of the forest.

We like to travel early, to get out into nature and perhaps see the sunrise,  but make it home before noon and still be able to get some things done.  The morning was a brisk 29 degrees with snow flurries on the way there and a relentless 15 to 20 mile per hour "breeze".  Many wonder why we do it.  Cold weather trips with snow and ice or warm weather trips with bugs and snakes and the answer is simple.  To enjoy nature, at any expense, even comfort.  We hiked for about an hour, making our way out and then starting back in when stopped to eat a snack and grab some water.

While resting I explained a survival fire technique that I had read about.  We decided to try it out on a smaller scale to see how easy it would be to build, and based on the details of the survival guide, how well it could be concealed when finished.  It involves a little bit of digging, so while I was preparing the fire starting portion of the project, my friend had fashioned a small shovel out of a small rock, a stick, and some paracord and began digging.  I was just about finished with the wood when he finished digging.  POW POW!  Two quick shots fired in the distance.  We froze.

"How far do you think?" he said.
"I don't know, what kind of gun do you think..."  POW POW
"Shotgun, double barrel," he said.
"Half-mile, maybe less."

We proceed to quickly pack our things back into our bags and headed for the truck.  I tied my red bandanna around my head and gave him my bright neon green camp seat and we set off.  20 yards into the hike...POW POW!  I had my survival kit with me which has a whistle, and we thought it would be a good idea to let someone know we where there.  One long blast and we started moving again.

Turns out that some hunters were there to train their dogs.  This section of forest allows you to release farm raised quail into the forest so your bird-dogs can learn how to get them flying and you can get some target practice.  I suppose it was naive to assume it was a place to bring your dog and teach him how to sit, or play dead.  But, perhaps it would be a good idea for the government owned property to be labeled as hunting grounds?

The two older gentlemen were very nice and chatted with us for a good 15 minutes.  We asked if people hunt here often and if he'd seen people hiking before.  He said people only hunt right there where we were parked and they aren't really hunting but training their dogs.  He was surprised to see hikers but always wondered why more people don't use the land.  WMA's are designated for hunting, camping, and hiking after all.  He did say that its used for hunting more in deer season.

We thanked him, wished him luck, and headed for home.  Future trips will include an orange hat or bandanna.  And we'll definitely go back soon.  After all, there is a hole in the ground and all the fixin's for a nice little fire just sitting out in the forest waiting.

The Wonder of Artificial-Intelligence

The internet is filled with AI these days.  Google guesses what you were really searching if you butcher the spelling.  Netflix takes the movies that you have watched and rated and makes suggestions for you base on what you like, and does a pretty good job.  I will say that when you share an account with your wife it does add an aspect of humor to your suggestions when "Action/Adventure" and "Gritty Visually Striking Drama" is followed by "Romantic Small-Town Comedies," but like I said, it does a pretty good job. 

Amazon, however, struggles to deliver.  I love Amazon, and my problems with their AI suggestions is that it works a little to efficiently.  I have done my Christmas shopping primarily on Amazon for the last 3 or 4 years, as I'm sure many others out there have done, and I love it.  But the suggestion rendering robot takes this a little to far.  I suppose they should add a button when you purchase an item that lets you specify that this is a gift for someone else.  I purchased some books for my sister last year, and now Amazon is convinced that I'd love to curl up next to the fire with a glass of wine and enjoy the latest Nicholas Sparks tear-jerker. I bought my wife some argyle socks so Amazon thinks the new work boots that I want will look great with thigh-high striped or fishnet stockings.   Needless to say I think the "gift" button would be quite helpful.

So even though the suggestion engine works too well, it does make mistakes.

Didn't you know that when you're out in the woods trying to find water to fill your new canteen that this ergonomic stapler is going to come in handy!

Fingerboards

Among all the distractions that occur on a daily basis in the classroom, this toy is probably the most annoying.  That's right, a toy.  I expect to have to collect two or three cell phones or mp3 players every class period, usually from the same people everyday.  You would think they'd learn not to have them out in class, but I guess that part of the brain must be the same as the part that learns math because that doesn't happen either.

Back to the fingerboards.  These things are mini-skateboards, you've probably seen them before in the "little" kids toy section of your local bargain store.  You use your fingers to do tricks instead of your feet.  These things have plastic wheels.  I'm sure it doesn't take long for your imagination to figure out what these plastic wheels sound like jumping and slamming constantly, over and over again, by two or three different people onto the formica desk tops.  Its the new version of the pencil and desk top drumming prodigy that every teacher loathes.

Everyday the same three kids start to play with these toys exactly 10 minutes into class.  So I take them.  Where is the disconnect in the brain that keeps these students from making this correlation?  I thought there was something in the human mind that causes you to not touch something hot again after you've touched it once and been burned.  Pavlov can't even figure out this one.  Here we are on the 75th day of the semester and just like every other day, 10 minutes in they'll start to play and 10 minutes and 15 seconds in, I'll take their fingerboards.

What are the real aspirations of today's high schooler?

Today as I was cleaning up my room before leaving work, I found a piece of paper on the ground.  At first I thought it was just some trash student work, written in pretty pink and purple ink that had been left behind.  But low and behold, it was instead the type of literature that teachers such as myself really live for.  I'll change the names and places to keep the anonymity alive, but I'll leave the spelling, punctuation, and grammar as is.  This is as real as it gets folks.  Enjoy!

"Things to do before we graduate.  The high school life."
1.  go streaking in the middle of the night. Who doesn't want to do this?
2.  go skinny dipping in a stranger's pool. You can't do #1 and not want this too!
3.  eat a marajuanna brownie.
4. drift in a mall parking lot.
5. get chased by the cops.  If you play your cards right, you could knock out 2, 1, 5, 7, 4, then 8 together. In that order of course.
6. start a random fight.
7.  go 90 mph up my street.
8.  burn rubber.
9.  go to a rave.
10.  chase a chinese delivery guy.
11.  egg beth's house and pour skittles in her yard.  Everybody knows that the best side dish to accompany eggs is skittles!
12.  meet a hobo.
13.  go on a human catapolt.
14.  go bull riding. (mechanical)
15.  go on a "montage"? The question mark isn't from me, so they don't even know what this means.
16.  go to the overlook.
17.  crash a party.
18.  meet a mime.
19.  dine & dash.
20.  party with the mexicans.  I don't drink beer often, but when I do, I drink dos equis.
21.  ditch school & cross town.  On senior skip day, we ditched class and crossed town too.  Across town was awesome!
22.  shave a guys legs.
23.  wax a guys legs.  If you weren't scared yet, you should be now.
24.  wake up in jail & not know why.  This could seriously impede the act of graduating, therefore changing the validity of the whole list.
25.  jump off a small bridge into the ocean.  This should be changed to "find a small bridge over the ocean that actually exists."
26.  make love to know hands.  I hope "know hands" is a song.  Otherwise I'm as perplexed as you.
27.  egg an apartment complex.  Don't forget your skittles!
28.  pose as a phone sex operator.
29.  put itching powder on the school's toilet seats.  Add some sneezing powder and a pie in the face and you'll have the complete package.
30.  dance on pole.
31.  go to a strip club.  30 and 31... I say kill two birds with one stone.
32.  hang with a midget.  This list could be so much shorter.  If this midget was born south of the border, you could combine this with 20.
33.  cuss out our parents.  I bet this has already happened.
34.  go to a party Friday & come pack Sun.  Sounds fun.  If the party is in jail, this would take care of 24 too.  Efficiency is key.