You have probably heard the stand-up comedy of one Bill Engvall. If you have not, I strongly recommend you do. He is one of the few, relatively clean, but actually funny comics left in the world. His earlier material is better in my opinion, as once he became widely known I feel it lost some of its appeal, but I still like his stuff.
Anyway, his signature is the "Here's your sign..." bit. Here's your sign is Bill's reply to someone who asks a blatantly obvious (read: incredibly stupid) question. So the idea is that when this question is asked, he would like to hand you a big sign. A sign that you have to carry around and hold in front of you for all to see. A sign that says: "I'm stupid." Since that isn't really realistic, he's reserved himself to just tell the person "Here's your sign" so that they know they've just embarrassed themselves. I remember, I think, an example from his early work. He's in the bathroom brushing his teeth, his wife walks in and says "You brushin' your teeth?" He turns and with a mouthful of toothpaste says "Here's your sign." Pretty funny.
Where is the going you ask? Well, although everyone is susceptable to needing a sign every now and then, sometimes its such a shocking inquiry that before you have the chance to say "Here's your sign," you first find yourself saying "REALLY!?" And as you may have guessed, the wonderful youth whose minds I mold are an everyday source of these moments.
It happens at least twice a week; a student walks past my desk and peers over the framed picture sitting to my left. Its a picture of my wife and I on our wedding day. That's right. Me, in a tuxedo with my arm around my wife, in a wedding dress holding a bouquet of flowers gazing star-struck and lovingly into each others eyes.
"Is that your wife?"
*sigh*
"Here's your sign."
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
2/02/2011
1/28/2011
Black Market ... Beer?
On a normal weekend camping trip to one of our favorite spots, I was unable to make the trip on Friday night with the rest of the crew. Instead, I woke up at 0'dark-thirty on Saturday morning and made my way to the camp site. I stopped at a local Quik-Trip to grab a coffee, biscuit, and some adult beverages for the weekend. However, due to completely asinine laws in our state/county, you can't purchase alcohol between 12am and 9am. While checking out, the QT employee asked me where I was traveling, and I responded with an annoyed "north." She informed me that the laws are different in different counties so I should stop again when I am farther north.
I drove about 60 miles north and stopped at another QT, 4 counties north. The time was now 6:25 am. As I walk inside I notice the lights in the coolers containing the beverages for which I'm searching are off. By this point I'm starting to get a little angry. I really hate how the government can tell me when it's okay to buy alcohol and when it's not okay. I quickly turned to leave and the QT employee at this location said "Can I help you find something?" I snapped back "Not unless you can sell me some beer, but I'm guessing big brother has taken our rights hostage in this county too." He nodded and said, "At least until 8 am."
"Well, I'm not sitting around for an hour and half so thanks anyway."
"Where ya headin'?"
"North."
"Will you passing the Walmart about 20 miles north of here?"
"Yes."
And here is where it gets weird. He said "I know a guy. He works in Electronics. I'll call him and tell him you'll meet him there in 30 minutes, keep your brown jacket on."
I said okay, and left, thinking I'll just have to be that guy. The guy that shows up to go camping and drinks everybody's beer. About halfway between the QT and Walmart I thought, "you know what, I'll at least stop in and see if this guy was for real. Maybe I can sneak some beer out through a self checkout anyway."
When I get there, I walk back to electronics and start browsing through the video games. About 30 seconds later an employee walks over and asks if need any help. I said no thanks and he turned and walked away. So I figured it was over. But after another 30 seconds, the same guy walks back over to me and whispers, "Are you from QT?"
"Yes."
"Follow me, about 20 feet behind" he whispered. "What kind of beer?"
"Miller Lite"
We walked across the store. He turned around about halfway and said, "Go back to the video games, I'll be right back"
So here is where I wise up a bit. I went back towards the video game section, but stopped before and tried to inconspicuously hide in the craft section. I figured if he walked back with security or something like that, I could get out pretty quickly. He didn't though, all he had with him was a case of Miller Lite. I followed him back to the electronics section. As he was logging in to his register he asked for me to have $20 ready. It was on sale for $14.99 so my total was $16 something. He scanned it, typed in some numbers for my birthday, took my $20, counted out the change, pretended to hand it to me, and then put it in his pocket. He put my beer in a big bag and handed it to me and said, I'll walk you to the front.
We walked to the front of the store, he told the greeter that I was "good to go" and I walked out. When I got to my truck I giggled a little bit. His fee was under $4! Cheap!
I never tried to buy beer with a fake ID when I was underage, but I was able to experience what it must be like. It really is a shame that someone who is almost 30 years old is apparently not mature or intelligent enough to decide when it is appropriate to purchase beer. Tax dollars hard at work I guess.
I drove about 60 miles north and stopped at another QT, 4 counties north. The time was now 6:25 am. As I walk inside I notice the lights in the coolers containing the beverages for which I'm searching are off. By this point I'm starting to get a little angry. I really hate how the government can tell me when it's okay to buy alcohol and when it's not okay. I quickly turned to leave and the QT employee at this location said "Can I help you find something?" I snapped back "Not unless you can sell me some beer, but I'm guessing big brother has taken our rights hostage in this county too." He nodded and said, "At least until 8 am."
"Well, I'm not sitting around for an hour and half so thanks anyway."
"Where ya headin'?"
"North."
"Will you passing the Walmart about 20 miles north of here?"
"Yes."
And here is where it gets weird. He said "I know a guy. He works in Electronics. I'll call him and tell him you'll meet him there in 30 minutes, keep your brown jacket on."
I said okay, and left, thinking I'll just have to be that guy. The guy that shows up to go camping and drinks everybody's beer. About halfway between the QT and Walmart I thought, "you know what, I'll at least stop in and see if this guy was for real. Maybe I can sneak some beer out through a self checkout anyway."
When I get there, I walk back to electronics and start browsing through the video games. About 30 seconds later an employee walks over and asks if need any help. I said no thanks and he turned and walked away. So I figured it was over. But after another 30 seconds, the same guy walks back over to me and whispers, "Are you from QT?"
"Yes."
"Follow me, about 20 feet behind" he whispered. "What kind of beer?"
"Miller Lite"
We walked across the store. He turned around about halfway and said, "Go back to the video games, I'll be right back"
So here is where I wise up a bit. I went back towards the video game section, but stopped before and tried to inconspicuously hide in the craft section. I figured if he walked back with security or something like that, I could get out pretty quickly. He didn't though, all he had with him was a case of Miller Lite. I followed him back to the electronics section. As he was logging in to his register he asked for me to have $20 ready. It was on sale for $14.99 so my total was $16 something. He scanned it, typed in some numbers for my birthday, took my $20, counted out the change, pretended to hand it to me, and then put it in his pocket. He put my beer in a big bag and handed it to me and said, I'll walk you to the front.
We walked to the front of the store, he told the greeter that I was "good to go" and I walked out. When I got to my truck I giggled a little bit. His fee was under $4! Cheap!
I never tried to buy beer with a fake ID when I was underage, but I was able to experience what it must be like. It really is a shame that someone who is almost 30 years old is apparently not mature or intelligent enough to decide when it is appropriate to purchase beer. Tax dollars hard at work I guess.
11/30/2010
The Wonder of Artificial-Intelligence
The internet is filled with AI these days. Google guesses what you were really searching if you butcher the spelling. Netflix takes the movies that you have watched and rated and makes suggestions for you base on what you like, and does a pretty good job. I will say that when you share an account with your wife it does add an aspect of humor to your suggestions when "Action/Adventure" and "Gritty Visually Striking Drama" is followed by "Romantic Small-Town Comedies," but like I said, it does a pretty good job.
Amazon, however, struggles to deliver. I love Amazon, and my problems with their AI suggestions is that it works a little to efficiently. I have done my Christmas shopping primarily on Amazon for the last 3 or 4 years, as I'm sure many others out there have done, and I love it. But the suggestion rendering robot takes this a little to far. I suppose they should add a button when you purchase an item that lets you specify that this is a gift for someone else. I purchased some books for my sister last year, and now Amazon is convinced that I'd love to curl up next to the fire with a glass of wine and enjoy the latest Nicholas Sparks tear-jerker. I bought my wife some argyle socks so Amazon thinks the new work boots that I want will look great with thigh-high striped or fishnet stockings. Needless to say I think the "gift" button would be quite helpful.
So even though the suggestion engine works too well, it does make mistakes.
Didn't you know that when you're out in the woods trying to find water to fill your new canteen that this ergonomic stapler is going to come in handy!
Amazon, however, struggles to deliver. I love Amazon, and my problems with their AI suggestions is that it works a little to efficiently. I have done my Christmas shopping primarily on Amazon for the last 3 or 4 years, as I'm sure many others out there have done, and I love it. But the suggestion rendering robot takes this a little to far. I suppose they should add a button when you purchase an item that lets you specify that this is a gift for someone else. I purchased some books for my sister last year, and now Amazon is convinced that I'd love to curl up next to the fire with a glass of wine and enjoy the latest Nicholas Sparks tear-jerker. I bought my wife some argyle socks so Amazon thinks the new work boots that I want will look great with thigh-high striped or fishnet stockings. Needless to say I think the "gift" button would be quite helpful.
So even though the suggestion engine works too well, it does make mistakes.
Didn't you know that when you're out in the woods trying to find water to fill your new canteen that this ergonomic stapler is going to come in handy!
11/09/2010
What are the real aspirations of today's high schooler?
Today as I was cleaning up my room before leaving work, I found a piece of paper on the ground. At first I thought it was just some trash student work, written in pretty pink and purple ink that had been left behind. But low and behold, it was instead the type of literature that teachers such as myself really live for. I'll change the names and places to keep the anonymity alive, but I'll leave the spelling, punctuation, and grammar as is. This is as real as it gets folks. Enjoy!
"Things to do before we graduate. The high school life."
1. go streaking in the middle of the night. Who doesn't want to do this?
2. go skinny dipping in a stranger's pool. You can't do #1 and not want this too!
3. eat a marajuanna brownie.
4. drift in a mall parking lot.
5. get chased by the cops. If you play your cards right, you could knock out 2, 1, 5, 7, 4, then 8 together. In that order of course.
6. start a random fight.
7. go 90 mph up my street.
8. burn rubber.
9. go to a rave.
10. chase a chinese delivery guy.
11. egg beth's house and pour skittles in her yard. Everybody knows that the best side dish to accompany eggs is skittles!
12. meet a hobo.
13. go on a human catapolt.
14. go bull riding. (mechanical)
15. go on a "montage"? The question mark isn't from me, so they don't even know what this means.
16. go to the overlook.
17. crash a party.
18. meet a mime.
19. dine & dash.
20. party with the mexicans. I don't drink beer often, but when I do, I drink dos equis.
21. ditch school & cross town. On senior skip day, we ditched class and crossed town too. Across town was awesome!
22. shave a guys legs.
23. wax a guys legs. If you weren't scared yet, you should be now.
24. wake up in jail & not know why. This could seriously impede the act of graduating, therefore changing the validity of the whole list.
25. jump off a small bridge into the ocean. This should be changed to "find a small bridge over the ocean that actually exists."
26. make love to know hands. I hope "know hands" is a song. Otherwise I'm as perplexed as you.
27. egg an apartment complex. Don't forget your skittles!
28. pose as a phone sex operator.
29. put itching powder on the school's toilet seats. Add some sneezing powder and a pie in the face and you'll have the complete package.
30. dance on pole.
31. go to a strip club. 30 and 31... I say kill two birds with one stone.
32. hang with a midget. This list could be so much shorter. If this midget was born south of the border, you could combine this with 20.
33. cuss out our parents. I bet this has already happened.
34. go to a party Friday & come pack Sun. Sounds fun. If the party is in jail, this would take care of 24 too. Efficiency is key.
"Things to do before we graduate. The high school life."
1. go streaking in the middle of the night. Who doesn't want to do this?
2. go skinny dipping in a stranger's pool. You can't do #1 and not want this too!
3. eat a marajuanna brownie.
4. drift in a mall parking lot.
5. get chased by the cops. If you play your cards right, you could knock out 2, 1, 5, 7, 4, then 8 together. In that order of course.
6. start a random fight.
7. go 90 mph up my street.
8. burn rubber.
9. go to a rave.
10. chase a chinese delivery guy.
11. egg beth's house and pour skittles in her yard. Everybody knows that the best side dish to accompany eggs is skittles!
12. meet a hobo.
13. go on a human catapolt.
14. go bull riding. (mechanical)
15. go on a "montage"? The question mark isn't from me, so they don't even know what this means.
16. go to the overlook.
17. crash a party.
18. meet a mime.
19. dine & dash.
20. party with the mexicans. I don't drink beer often, but when I do, I drink dos equis.
21. ditch school & cross town. On senior skip day, we ditched class and crossed town too. Across town was awesome!
22. shave a guys legs.
23. wax a guys legs. If you weren't scared yet, you should be now.
24. wake up in jail & not know why. This could seriously impede the act of graduating, therefore changing the validity of the whole list.
25. jump off a small bridge into the ocean. This should be changed to "find a small bridge over the ocean that actually exists."
26. make love to know hands. I hope "know hands" is a song. Otherwise I'm as perplexed as you.
27. egg an apartment complex. Don't forget your skittles!
28. pose as a phone sex operator.
29. put itching powder on the school's toilet seats. Add some sneezing powder and a pie in the face and you'll have the complete package.
30. dance on pole.
31. go to a strip club. 30 and 31... I say kill two birds with one stone.
32. hang with a midget. This list could be so much shorter. If this midget was born south of the border, you could combine this with 20.
33. cuss out our parents. I bet this has already happened.
34. go to a party Friday & come pack Sun. Sounds fun. If the party is in jail, this would take care of 24 too. Efficiency is key.
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